i guess it’s eventually time to officially close this journal.

it was fun :o)

here’s a little gem to sweeten the farewell:

http://www.200lurkers.com/protected/200LURKERS_stubborn_life_photonegative.mp3

so, here we are again. it’s been busy days, these first days of the new year, and i had a bad influenza which made working during the past week a rather unpleasant experience. i think i popped more pills than candy. the worst thing about it is that i didn’t go the the gym for a week i’m feeling rather bad about it. so i’ll try to do some basic work-out tomorrow and slowly get into my training-rhythm again.

speaking of the gym: i changed studios. i’m with a much cheaper chain now: the locker rooms are sparsely furnished and to take a 5 minute shower costs 50c. but they are open 24/7 (literally) and i’m saving 30€ a month. the only let-down is that their elliptical machines differ very much from those that i’m used to. they’re more a mix of a stair-master and a cross trainer, and my body is quite confused by the unfamiliar movements it is supposed to do. in these machines, it’s harder to get in sync with the music, and it is generally a little less enjoyable. but perhaps i’ll get used to it.

what else: oh yes! the new year started with a great surprise. it turned out (rather by accident) that a dear friend of mine has the most adorable and charming singing voice, and she agreed to add leading and backing vocals to a couple of 200 lurkers songs. in fact, when i heard the accidental recording she made it was like an epiphany : i suddenly realized that this was almost like a missing piece of a puzzle. the final ingredient that would push an ongoing alchemical process to its end.

well, a lot of other things have happened : the n-episode that started rather promising has come to an abrupt end, thanks to my astonishing talent to alienate people with the blink of an eye. i met b again by accident. and now we’re kindoflike on speaking terms. oh, and next week jamie is going to be a contestant on “who wants to be a millionaire”.

so, 2009. let’s hope it’ll turn out better than 2008. won’t be that difficult, really…

and then a friend of mine sent me this song:
“it’s my favorite good-night song. be gentle to it!” he asks me because i’m usually not very sensitive in my comments about the music he’s sending me.

but this song starts playing and i don’t need to be gentle to it, because it is gentle to me. it has the kind of sound and ease i so much long for in the things i do myself, and which i will never reach. the guitar alone is just … great. i have no idea WHO is playing it  - and i didn’t ask and i don’t want to know. it’s probably some 23 year old handsome singer/songwriter, one of those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

the point is that it does to me what few songs do and what even fewer people can do : it puts me into tenderness-mode. it is so effortless and as floating… when i think about what a hard time i had with the drums for ‘dialogues’ and here you have such an easy, such a perfect arrangement, the perfect, understated electronic counterpart to the acoustic guitar which is playing this simple but delicate and heartopening riff :o(
I T   M A K E S   M E   S A D
good music makes me sad. because i can’t stand that it’s not me who is singing it. i’m a sicko. i’d give my soul for that extra-bit of talent that would lift me out of my mediocrity. no, this is not a fishing for compliments

johnny commented: oh, are you still sleeping with skyscraper girl? i thought she was out of the picture.

actually i was coming home from another occupation (one which is probably morally equally objective). the skyscraper i was referring to was one i saw blinking in the distance, at the other end of town.

> as regards the n. situation: there is no guilt to be felt in wanting something, there is no guilt to be felt in not wanting something

yes, you’re right. the guilt i’m feeling is more about the fact that i might have signaled that i’m interested, probably for very selfish and ego-istic reasons: i think i was trying to see whether i can make that person interested in me without really deciding beforehand whether or not i am serious about this. but then you can’t know this right from the start, can you? 

> certainly many women too stay endlessly in lukewarm relationships out of some sense of obligation, some “surely this is the kind of person i must be wanting to wrap my arms around.”

yes - and obligation is the worst reason to stay together. honestly, i would rather lose a person that i love like life than realizing that the relationship is based on some sense of obligation. one wants to be loved, not pitied, right?

> but there’s this anxiety with men, the “oh god, i don’t want this person, what do i do? what’s WRONG with me?” let’s not forget that ultimately, evolutionary psychology ideas aside, we ARE more than just animals, we are acting on more, it is more complicated and subtle than that.

agreed. and i wouldn’t even say that it’s some kind of animalistic instinct or drive that makes the n. situation so difficult. because as for drives, n. is everything you could wish for: incredibly handsome and attractive.

> i fail to understand why so many people seem to find virtue in being able to teach one’s heart to lie.

yes, but then where is this ‘heart’ located? i had moments with a. that were confusingly schizophrenic because part of me thought: “how can i be with this person right now? what the hell am i doing here? we don’t even speak the same language, we don’t share A THING…” but then we switched off the light and i felt that body fall asleep in my arms and it was everything i ever wanted and every place i ever wanted to be.

listening to my heart - to what i decided is my heart speaking - didn’t really lead to very happy situations in the past years. because my ‘heart’ always seems to side with the impossible. 

i thought that you’d want what i want… sorry, my dear.

there was a monstrous moon hanging next to the blue blinking skyscraper in a crisp winter night. i almost drove off the street on my way home because it was so - breathtaking.

mood-o-meter: 1.2

mittwoch der 10.12.2008 wird in erinnerung bleiben als der tag, an dem daphne nach einer theaterpremiere in einer überfüllten und verrauchten jazz-bar beim thema “maurermarmelade” (=hackfleisch) vor lachen in den vollen aschenbecher prustete und ein feiner ascheregen auf jan und phil niederging.

walking cross-campus to the cafeteria with a couple of colleagues i’m thinking that - with my kind of luck - of all the 44 thousand students that the university has i will probabaly stumble across b…. and really: 30 seconds later when i’m walking up the steps to the cafeteria, b.’s walking towards me. our eyes meet, an exchange of shy smiles, and suddenly my appetite’s gone.

well, either due to good upbringing or genuine forgiveness n. did not tell me to go fuck myself. and this means what?

exhausting days. worries about j. who is not well. days fly by too quickly. work. gym. eat. hardly enough time for the important things