saturday
when i walked home from a farewell party for a colleague tonight i crossed the open field behind the university, and there were stacks of violet, bulky clouds announcing a nearing thunder storm, but behind them, at the horizon, the sun was sinking, and the soft light was setting the bottom of the clouds on fire, and it was so massively beautiful that i forgot to breathe for a moment and then i felt the loneliness fill out every square inch between me and the people passing, and all across the wide, empty field the two polar bears came galloping, and i turned the walk-man louder and hoped they'd pass me and run straight on, but they didn't.
for reasons i can't really go into here and now i was listening to james yorkston's "woozy with cider" tonight and each time i listen to this particular song i remember the week-end i spent with s. in brussels, and i opened the folder with the photos i took back then and looked at them for the first time. actually for the first time since the break up in 2005 i looked at pictures of s., and it didn't hurt, even though it felt strange and i was sad and i wished myself back to the moment the photo had been taken so i could change history and undo the alienation and the unloving.
johnny jewel commented : but how about creating an infrastructure? what do you think that would take? how would you go about doing that? are there things you feel are keeping you from it and if so, what are they, and how could they be changed?
i am asking these questions because the "loop" of how to process inspiration adequately is very familiar to me.
i suspect academia and literary studies, at least a certain mentality that prevails in some places within that field, is unhelpful: it inflates the "inner censor" and teaches you to think in impossibly big terms you can't "live out" yourself.
hm, these are very interesting questions which i think i would like to answer here.
