A Thousand Plateaus

johnny commented: oh, are you still sleeping with skyscraper girl? i thought she was out of the picture.

actually i was coming home from another occupation (one which is probably morally equally objective). the skyscraper i was referring to was one i saw blinking in the distance, at the other end of town.

> as regards the n. situation: there is no guilt to be felt in wanting something, there is no guilt to be felt in not wanting something

yes, you’re right. the guilt i’m feeling is more about the fact that i might have signaled that i’m interested, probably for very selfish and ego-istic reasons: i think i was trying to see whether i can make that person interested in me without really deciding beforehand whether or not i am serious about this. but then you can’t know this right from the start, can you? 

> certainly many women too stay endlessly in lukewarm relationships out of some sense of obligation, some “surely this is the kind of person i must be wanting to wrap my arms around.”

yes - and obligation is the worst reason to stay together. honestly, i would rather lose a person that i love like life than realizing that the relationship is based on some sense of obligation. one wants to be loved, not pitied, right?

> but there’s this anxiety with men, the “oh god, i don’t want this person, what do i do? what’s WRONG with me?” let’s not forget that ultimately, evolutionary psychology ideas aside, we ARE more than just animals, we are acting on more, it is more complicated and subtle than that.

agreed. and i wouldn’t even say that it’s some kind of animalistic instinct or drive that makes the n. situation so difficult. because as for drives, n. is everything you could wish for: incredibly handsome and attractive.

> i fail to understand why so many people seem to find virtue in being able to teach one’s heart to lie.

yes, but then where is this ‘heart’ located? i had moments with a. that were confusingly schizophrenic because part of me thought: “how can i be with this person right now? what the hell am i doing here? we don’t even speak the same language, we don’t share A THING…” but then we switched off the light and i felt that body fall asleep in my arms and it was everything i ever wanted and every place i ever wanted to be.

listening to my heart - to what i decided is my heart speaking - didn’t really lead to very happy situations in the past years. because my ‘heart’ always seems to side with the impossible.