then a sheer drop | 14.42 km
“do you want to eat anything?”
“what?”
“you must be hungry…”
“…what? from the kissing?” i’m laughing. i’m lying on my belly on a sofa, chin on the armrest and i wish i had a blanket because the air is blowing coldly through the open window. it’s a clear, cool night and the idea that i’ll have to ride all the way home on the bike in a couple of hours doesn’t brighten my mood.
“what did you eat today?”
“hm, a croissant and some cookies at the conference…”
“what conference?”
“oh, some conference.”
“so you haven’t had anything decent?”
“no, i guess not.”
“i’ll warm up something for you!”
“you don’t have to.”
“i know. but i want to. i could need something as well.”
the smell of food fills the apartment and i’m engaged in some semi-interesting conversation about this and that, nothing really important, until the lights are switched off one by one, and only a couple of candles light little circles around them. i’m led to the bed and i can’t get the melody and words of “15 steps” out of my head: you used to be alright. what happened?
mister jewel commented : do you not believe that sometimes things end for a reason, run their natural course?
yes. i think they do. there’s this great line from a song that goes : “good things never end.” but this is hardly a consolation, really 
> you seem very nostalgic for it, for her, and it seems like you feel that’s something you’re not going to get over, or that nothing is going to make better.
yes, i guess it is a kind of nostalgia. but not really for a person as for - as you have put it - a “situation of similar meaning in the present”. what is strange is that i had to process the fact (back then) that being with that person was both right and wrong. i was attracted and repelled at the same time.
> it’s hard to let go of these things
that’s a very optimistic wording. i feel more like they have a hold of me and it’s not really in my power to let go of them.
> (and especially body-memory can still be so strong, so vivid, so overwhelming, something that just attacks you)
exactly
The moon is ventriloquial for the sun paula wrote the other night. wish i could finally emancipate myself from my fixation on other people. on being with other people. on being loved by other people. the talk yesterday went okay. interesting discussion afterwards and interested faces. gym today, which felt long and tiresome. even though i’m burned out now and exhausted it won’t stop. it just won’t. don’t know what else to do. sometimes i get over charged thats when you see sparks. i would skate out of here at 1000 feet per second if only i knew where to. which exit? which alternative? which way out? life’s a box with walls coming closer with each new song that i hear but haven’t written, with every gig i attend but did not give.
idiot slow down.
