A Thousand Plateaus

still half asleep i was standing in front of the cd-player this morning who was waiting impatiently with opened mouth which cd i would feed it. switching on music is the first thing i do in the morning. and switching it off is the last one. really, there’s hardly a second of silence in my room.

but this morning i couldn’t really decide and didn’t feel like listening to any particular artist. so i chose a random disk without looking : it was a compilation cd paula had sent me. while the first song started to play i checked my mail and saw that paula had written.

it was my turn to clean the cellar this morning (yes - our building management is really keen on keeping the tenants occupied. they’ve hung up lists that you have to sign once you’ve done a task… *rollseyes*) and when i returned to the apartment maria mckee’s “from our tv teens to the tomb” from paula’s cd just started to play and i realized that it was expressing perfectly the mess i’m in. and not just i, i guess.

Something rare has its season
I’ve been careful just trying to get it right
Lyric fair, beauty sublime
Such an opus is way ahead of time
I am full of grand ideas
I’ve been perfecting them for years
Large as life, with a purpose
Are we finally gonna play a gig
Is it time, been rehearsing five years
Still a way to go, better cancel it
We plan, waiting for a break
One can’t rush into these things

And we believed our mothers hung the moon
We stayed asleep, forgetting what we knew
And we will dream and never leave our rooms
From our TV Teens to the tomb

When I’m dead I’ll be discovered
They’ll write a book about my life, my lovers
A masterpiece isn’t born in a day
I’m so ambitious I hid myself away
I’d fly, the envy of man
If I had guts to lift a pen

When we were kids, delusion served us well
But then we split to make fools of ourselves
And we will dream and never leave the shelf
From our TV Teens to the tomb
We’re still holding out our cups
We will never give it up

And we believed our mothers hung the moon
We stayed asleep, forgetting what we knew
And we will dream and never leave our rooms
From our TV Teens to the tomb

the tv was standing right in front of the window and a film with helen hunt was on when i entered.
“oh,” i said “i like helen hunt!”
there’s a pause. then:
“you really prefer strong women, don’t you?”
which was a weird comment and one i did not really know how to answer. but luckily i didn’t have to because this moment an enormous flash lit up the entire sky and skyline!
“wow!”
it wasn’t really an identifiable flash, a zigzag across the horizon because it was so foggy that you could hardly make out the cathedral. it was just an indifferent light making the entire sky glow for a second. and then the thunder rolled towards the tower and the curtains trembled.
“you want some champagne?”

afterwards the sound of the rain falling onto the street 16 floors below soothes my mind while unfamiliar finders are running down my back almost tenderly in half-sleep. i get up carefully and open the french window and the cold, moist air sweeps over the bed like a blessing.

yes, the weather has been cruel the past days: very hot and humid. so i went to town today to buy a pair of short pants. actually i’m against short pants, but in the last couple of years the summers have just become unbearable hot. so i’ll try to overcome my vanity and show some leg. while in town i checked some other stores that elaine had been raving about the other day, such as american apparel, but i found that i can’t really wear the shirts they’re selling there. don’t know, but the youth of today is simply built differently. i also went to the sport-shop to get a new pair of sweat pants and shirts. but when i saw the prices i tumbled out immediately! 40 € for a shirt for the gym??? 60 € for bloody sweat pants???? get out!

what i *did* buy, though, - and alice will be pleased to hear this - is a new pillow because i only have small cushions (this is a whole different topic that i won’t get into now…). elaine said that i need to buy bedding that matches the new floor color - yeah, right! spent the rest of the day with more preparations: washed the curtains and ironed them. dusted all the books and put plants and candles onto the balcony.
it’s good to be prepared.
and i’m thinking: if only i had done this before, maybe they wouldn’t have left.
but that’s rubbish.
nobody is kept from fucking other people by a tasteful bedspread and clean windows.

fun packed day. arrived at the office at nine, worked all day on the talk, went home at eight. went to the gym and now it’s eleven. tomorrow’s an equally packed day. listening to “the ride” on repeat, singing backing voices along to it. it seems to be such an unimpressive little tune when you first listen to it, but the melody is really haunting.

mood-o-meter: 1.3.

i want a fucking band.

more here.

uagh! the pain! the pain! i’m aching all over : sore muscles from the carpeting work yesterday. actually i thought that i was kind of physically in a generally acceptable state, but right now it feels like i’ll never be able to move again. jesus! how did *you* do it? but i guess hammering those crosses is quite a different thing than laying out laminate. which, actually, was not a difficult thing to do at all. jan came over and helped me, which sped up the process, so by five in the evening we were finished already. but i still have to put up all the furniture and unpack everything. i like the new floor a lot. even thought it literally vanishes under shelves, chest of drawers, carpets and the sofa/bed. but it *does* give the room an entire different feeling. and - even though i chose rather dark wood - it also makes the room a little lighter.

there was a moth flying through the room the other minute, circling the light a couple of times, then closing its wings and crawling down the uneven, whitewashed wall. when it reached the outlet it climed into one of the holes the currency hides behind. i’ve watched the socket since, but it hasn’t returned yet.

world without end. remember me.

this has been playing on repeat the whole day. haven’t been to the gym since tuesday i can’t be the lighter for your eternal flame. fuck. i don’t feel that way at all

on the train back HOME from b., leaving behind the tristess, the nonconversations and the empty streets glaring with bright sunlight. this morning in the shower at my parents’ place i could not stop thinking how it would be if you had been there, too. i was feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like i needed you. your small body, the graceful way you fill a room and how you made me unintelligibly happy. that goldfrapp song soaks me and i remember how we’ve been together, by the river, and even my reluctant shyness did not keep you from getting closer and closer to me, i felt it even in your turbulent kisses. and the way you trusted me, as if an untamed thing had felt safe enough in my presence to lie down and sleep unalarmed and trustful. i was feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like i needed you, like i hoped you’d call and hoped you’d see me. good songs don’t make a fucked up life easier. fuck.

Give me your hands so you can’t wave goodbye.

did some university-related work this morning, then went to the supermarket, went to the gym, wrapped up the present for my father. it’s his birthday tomorrow (well, today, really, since it’s already wednesday) and i’ll take the train to b. tomorrow (today) for the birthday party and return thursday afternoon. i would rather stay in c. and work

took all my stuff in the evening (ibook, notes, books, headphones) and went down to the café to work. jodie was standing behind the counter, and b. and m. were sitting at the table. i said hello quickly, then excused myself and sat in the corner to work. i did so for about an hour when c. arrived, walking up to me. and instead of saying:
“i’m sorry, i really have to work…” i talked to her, very pleasant conversations because she’s a bright and pleasant and funny woman. then j. came by and joined us and when they left at eleven and i thought ‘okay, you can work at least until jodie’s closing the place,’ v. (jodie’s roommate) walked in and sat next to me and flirted with me. so no, i did not really get a lot done tonight

when i *was* actually working earlier tonight a woman sitting at the table next to mine turned around and said:
“excuse me?”
“yes?”
“you used to have black hair, right?”
i was a little surprised.
“ehm, yes, that’s right.”
“see, i knew it. and you’re working out at fitness limited, right?” and in fact this is the name of my gym. i must have made a very stupid face. she laughed.
“because i saw you there a couple of times. but you’re always having your eyes closed…” which is right. when i’m on the cross-trainer i usually close my eyes and concentrate on the music, preferably “arpeggi/weird fishes” on repeat.
“yes, well, i didn’t know, i mean, eh, i didn’t know that i was so eye-catching…” i replied shyly and i felt how i blushed. i felt really awkward.
“oh, don’t worry, i’m not working out at fitness limited anymore. but i had seen you here before with the laptop and then at the gym and now you have blond hair and i was wondering whether you might have a doppelgänger…”
she then paid and left and it’s been the second time in two weeks that people tell me that they’ve seen me at the gym and it’s not a good feeling because i think i basically look ridiculous and stupid working out. jesus. anyway…

alice sent me a mail today with photos of her daughter j. in school. you know, about a year ago i looked at this youtube clip of alice’s father playing guitar, and the way he played so effortlessly infected me and made me grab the guitar myself and out came - almost in one go - ‘moon birds.’ the lyrics followed quickly, inspired by a drawing of alice’s daughter that was hanging on the fridge in a photo she had sent me. it was entitled ‘moon birds’ (see also the ‘images’ section of www.200lurkers.com).

so one day i made a compilation cd for alice and i called it ‘moon birds’ and sent it to alice. and she showed it to j. and played the song to her and somehow j. got hooked. alice told me the most unbelievable things. like that she’s mouthing the words to it. or that she stood in the bathroom the other day while alice was in the shower, asking:
“mom, guess whom i will marry when i’m big? phil!”
she reconsidered her choice, however, when alice told her how old i am. she’s so excited about the song and the cd that she brought it to show & tell in school, and here’s what alice wrote about it:

So, today J. got to present her “moon birds” drawing and song to the class.  She was really excited and bashful at the same time.  She told them how she had drawn a picture “for phil to write a song about” which is not exactly how it went but, it’s been a year and 4-yr-old memories aren’t very clear.  She told the class that she listens to the song, “EVERY day,” and her teacher, Sara, looked over at me and said, “does she really??” and I answered, “nearly.”

When the song started she dove headfirst and buried her face in my lap and wouldn’t look up till it was over.  This is a classic J. response to music.  Ever since she was a baby, when people sing together or there’s music in public, she hides her face.  I think it just is too much for her.  She has always been very sensitive and attuned to music and when I’ve asked her why she does this she’s told me, “It just makes me too HAPPY.”

After the song finished she showed the other children where Germany was on the sandpaper globe.  She got it right away; I was impressed.

so this is how a 200 lurkers song got played to a first grade school class in america today. life’s weird!