shivers and gasping when i read paula’s entry today : Above us is heaven’s underbelly. I want to take a hunting knife to it, slash it viciously until my father falls out.
today on repeat: emiliana torrini’s “lifesaver“. and just to show you how beautifully all this is orchestrated : after the very first s.-song that i mentioned yesterday (morcheeba), today the very last s.-song : we broke up two days after the torrini concert.
when it’s getting light outside i wake up. i look at the clock, it’s not even six and i realize that i only had four hours of sleep - only half the time i usually need. but falling asleep again seems impossible, too much is going on in my mind, there are fragments of sentences from the introduction and conclusion that don’t seem right yet and they’re whirling around in my head and i know that if i’ll spend as many time on the revision of the remaining 200 pages it will take me until easter next year. but once the vortex has me, i’m drawn in deeper and deeper, kind-of-justifiable-angst all around me, giving me a stale taste in the mouth.
so i get up, lumber to the bathroom to brush my teeth. as every morning the image in the mirror frightens me : dark rings under the eyes, receding hairline, gray skin, pimple beside my nose and suzanne’s “bound” comes to my mind The way of the world Has taken its toll Ravaged my body And bitten my soul I am ruined by rain Weathered by wind I’ve been invaded Without and within. i spit out the artificially flavored foam, stick my tongue out at myself and lumber back to bed.
when i lift the blanket, you wake up and turn around and you look at me and there’s this inexplicable smile on your face. you’re looking at this ruin of a face and i swear i don’t understand why you don’t gather your clothes and run as fast as you can. i would! what could possibly make you smile like this? surely not the would-be musician, or the would-be writer, or the tryer-to-understand-philosophy or the constant worrier, because you don’t know all these people. so i’m putting my old body next to yours and i’m crumbled and confused and still you lean over and kiss me and this is the moment i wanted, this was all i wanted to achieve in whatever-this-is : a moment of unconditionality. it happened again! happiness spreads like a second blanket shortly and i know that even if you leave the house today and never return it’ll be all right.
