so fuck you / fuck you / and all we’ve been through / i said leave it / it’s nothing to you / and if you hate me / then hate me so good that you can let me out / let me out of this hell when you’re around | 13.30 km
been tumbling through the day as if in a haze. mood-o-meter dropped, just like the temperatures. it’s gotten fucking cold. quite everywhere. today’s the day. some sort of final dreaded wednesday when you’ll be leaving town for good. i successfully fought the impulse to give you a call, send you a message or think about you.
i’s one of those days when you’re blinking in slow motion : somehow i managed to whip myself to the gym in the afternoon, unconvinced of the worth of the undertaking. agonized through the work out and then went home as soon as possible. long long shower. feel like needing a break. some kind of holiday. suffered a kind of setback on monday : went to the dean’s office to get some information about the phd-exam proceedings. i know that i still have to learn latin but i had the faint hope that i could first do the exam and then hand in the language certificate later. but i need it even before i’ll register for the exams. which means that the plan to do the orals in june is out of the question.
i don’t know why this was such a backlash. i *knew* that i still had to learn the language and i knew that i would have to do it some point sooner or later. it doesn’t really matter if i’ll do it now or after the exams. but somehow i was in a kind of ‘flow’, seeing the other bank of the river at arm’s length and now some undertow came and pulled me way back out into the middle of the stream. or so it feels. and right now i don’t seem to be able to get myself to draw some breath and keep going on ahead, making up the ground i lost. i feel more like turning on my back and doing a dead man’s float, letting myself be drifting wherever the fucking stream will take me, like some lighter-than-wood mixture between walt whitman and ophelia.
mood-o-meter: hard to say. it froze somewhere between 0.8 and 1.1
