A Thousand Plateaus

hm, guess what: the mood-o-meter's display hit the subzero zone yesterday night. stayed at the café until two in the morning and helped jodie close the place. didn't have any shots, only beer, but was pretty drunk nonetheless. guess i stayed there cause i was sort of afraid to get back home. it's so quiet in my room, even with the music on. woke up rather early and with a headache. spent the day correcting exam essays on arthur miller's play broken glass, which - as a literary work - is not very good, so you can imagine what kind of essays we got :-( thought a lot. thought too much – obviously not about what would be sensible to think about. went to the gym in the evening to run away and was so confused that i forgot half my sports-wear at home. now i'm at the café, trying to make sense of things while belle & sebastian are singing:
but it takes more than this to make sense of the day
yeah it takes more than milk to get rid of the taste
and you trusted to this
and you trusted to that
when you saw it all come it was waving the flag
of the united stated of calamity, yeah
after all that you've done, boy, i know you're gonna pay.

another day almost over. gonna meet princess superstar tonight and we'll go to see a photo exhibition. she couldn't really tell me though by whom and what kind of photos. but i don't care much after all. the happy - anger state has changed into a happy - scared state :-) as cohen says:

I don't trust my inner feeling. Inner feelings come and go.

and they do indeed come and go. there's a lot of room for emotional speculation, hopes and fears. i'll probably know more tomorrow night. not that i wouldn't somehow enjoy ...

oops phone call from the princess. got to go!

things are going on which really make me angry. and happy. in fact i'm swinging back and forth between being extremely happy and then angry and almost hateful. very tiresome. anyway. listening a lot to suzanne again lately. that should tell you something. ah, was solls.

Phrase book on my knees, I beseech the Virgin everywhere.

okay, here's a serious question for you: how come that i've been busy the entire day, working, working, working and still by the end of the day i haven't really done anything i was supposed to do? frustrating. but also not, because what i've done is - i think - good. good projects :-)

so, what else is new? i mentioned that after the tara fuki concert i had that idea in my head that the 200 lurkers need a cello player, didn't i? this would be soooo great! but it's hard to find one. i've already placed an online ad and am planning to pin flyer to the white board of the cologne school of music. and what is paula telling me the other day? she's together now with A CELLO PLAYER! and two hours later i was checking the online telephone book because i wanted to see whether my address appears with my number. and i got two entries for "philipp lastname" which i thought was unusual because there are not that many philipp lastname in germany. but apparently in cologne there are two. the first entry was me. and the second entry said "philipp lastname and sascha lastname". and sascha is of course the 'real' name of sebastian before i changed it in order to protect his fictional persona. confused? :-) so am i!

hm, wish i had some chocolate :-( no sweets anywhere. listening to kate bush's "coral room" now. great song.

mood-o-meter: 0.3. and it's not even post-performance depression (which is minimal this time because there are the concerts in october and november. yep, the gig in duisburg is for real now: november 30th). feel frustrated and disappointed and enveloped in a general 'life sucks' attitude. which is not a one time thing, but it's getting increasingly harder to get out of these moods.

on tuesday i will meet claudia. i went out with her about three years ago on a couple of dates, and we always had interesting and inspiring conversations. she moved to bremen then and now is back to visit cologne for a couple of days. she's on the 200 lurkers mailing list, so after the latest spam-mail i sent around she contacted me and asked me whether i would care for a drink when she's in cologne.

gym yesterday and today. doesn't help, either.

the concert yesterday went well. it was a good rehearsal for the october show, even though i only played for 30 minutes. daniel came over from bielefeld and it was great seeing him after, what, like almost three years. the sound was okay and the people surprised. unfortunately none of my favorite waitresses were working :-) but blane was there, and jamie and konnie, and after the concert the girls and i still had a couple of beers, which was fun.

paula wrote a very cheerful mail. her life is taking an unexpected turn to the better: relationship, new friends, university, music courses. plus she's really into deleuze now :-) i sent her a copy of "dialoges" some months ago, and now she's quoting it extensively :-) I WANT TO MEET HER! i really need more money! i'm too old to just make ends meet :-( if i'll lose my job now, i have nothing. zero. nada. not a single cent. which is a bloody scary feeling. but i'm digressing...

bye bye long day
i need to sleep so much
nineteen hours straight
too much is not enough
too much is not enough
too much is not enough
too much is not enough
too much is not enough
undivide your love
u n d i v i d e   y o u r   l o v e

hm, don't really feel like writing anything. this hasn't happened in a long time. had hoped that the week in olomouc would be like a recharge, but the past days it feels like running on lowest battery ever. mood-o-meter: 0.9. worked on cohen, but for some reason discussing the second novel is so much harder. it is constantly slipping away, coming apart, being all over the place. i can't grasp it. anyway, stumbled over one of the most beautiful passages in Beautiful Losers:

"a gasp in praise of existence blasted my chest and unfolded my lungs like a newspaper in the wind" (78).

and that's it exactly! THAT'S the gasp in "fireworks"!

tomorrow's the concert. well, it'll be just a 30 minutes set, so it's not really worth mentioning. daniel (the nerve bible's drummer) will come by from bielefeld and play the melodika on "estra-gone". unfortunately bernd can't make it. so no glockenspiel :-(. yesterday i got a mail from a venue in duisburg asking whether the 200 lurkers are interested in playing there in november. sure they are.

"Oh, God! All states of love give power!" no, they don't :-(

hm, guess i should be really happy: got an okay mention in one of germany's most important newspapers for the ulmer paper, been on tv, have two concerts coming up, got two waitresses who blush when i'm coming to the café, for the second time in a year someone said about something i said: "this is the most beautiful thing that anybody ever told me!", i'm on page 167 of the dissertation, got 89 students enlisted for the seminar next semester, had dinner with suzanne vega and  managed to win the hearts of the most beautiful girl in cologne and in olomouc - if only temporarily. i should be bursting with pride and happiness.

and when i'm so fucking happy, then why did i have a whole bucke tof ice cream for dinner?

very weird day. way too strange to put into words. if you're in germany, check out the 'süddeutsche zeitung' - they have an article on the ulmer conference and i'm mentioned :-)